If you’re like most Christians, you find it difficult to forgive yourself even after God has forgiven you. Although it may seem like an impossible task, there are steps you can take to ease the pain. Make sure you keep things in order: First get right before God. Then forgive yourself.
Limiting Beliefs and Emotions
According to Psychology Today, self-forgiveness requires one to detach limiting beliefs and negative emotions from our nervous system.
But what does that mean?
Our nervous system registers any mistake, failure, or injury in our sympathetic nervous system. In other words, a secret part of our brain where “fight or flight” happens takes over to trigger a response.
Our emotions build and consciously, or subconsciously, we decide to fight or flee. Sometimes we fight back and face what may come. Other times we run away and hide.
When we’ve done something wrong–intentionally or unintentionally–we attribute an emotion to the wrongdoing. Guilt. Embarrassment. Regret. Anger. Fear.
Then comes the limiting beliefs: I always fail. I never do things right. I’m never going to…
Self-recrimination at it’s finest.
Until we identify the root emotion associated with the action or event, true forgiveness will be difficult. But in Romans we learn that everyone has sinned. Everyone needs forgiveness.
Which leads to the next step…
Let it go.
Once you’ve identified those underlying emotions it’s time to put the “past in the past.” And remember “…some distance makes everything seem small.” (Elsa, Let it Go)
Think about it. Elsa treks–or flees–over the frozen Alpine landscape singing Let it Go. Those mountains in the distance? The enormous obstacles? Even they look surmountable.
Everything changes for her in those moments. All her pent up emotions are released. Maybe it’s not forgiveness, but there is a definitive shift in her thinking.
Time and distance changes our perceptions. Our perspective changes.
In no way does this negate or belittle whatever we did wrong, but perspective allows us the opportunity to evaluate how much responsibility is our own. We change how we think about things, which will allow us to change how we behave in the future. Only then can we begin to forgive ourselves.
But there’s more…
Learn from your mistakes.
Can you prevent what happened from happening again? What can you change about yourself that will prevent it from happening? Are you responsible for what happened?
If you are responsible:Confess your sin and ask God’s forgiveness. Ask forgiveness from the party you offended or hurt. Then make a plan to act differently in the future.
If you are not responsible: Then perhaps you are trying to forgive yourself for something that does not require forgiveness.
Either way, you must learn to…
Love yourself.
As far as the east is from the west,
so far has He removed
our transgressions from us.
We can forgive ourselves:
- Something we did. Did you DO something wrong?
- Specific identifiable things. To clarify, is there one thing or many? Don’t be tempted to use a scatter gun approach.
- Intentionally wrong or hurtful things.*
- What we blame ourselves for
- After we’ve been forgiven.
If you’ve confessed your sin to God, He has “removed our transgressions.” Therefore, you are purified in Him. You are made clean again.
If the God of all creation loves and forgives me, then who am I to claim I am not worthy to be loved?
To sum up: forgive yourself for the forgivable.
*According to Lewis B. Smedes, in The Art of Forgiving, some things do not require forgiveness; such as the unattainable expectations resulting from other people’s expectations or a false sense of what it means to be a good person. He goes on to say that what we “really need is a sense of proportion.”
For example, there is no need to beat ourselves up indefinitely for a bad decision, or letting a hurtful person into our lives. Making sure we ask for forgiveness when needed, then accepting that forgiveness and forgiving ourselves is part of the process.
Do you find it is easier to forgive yourself? Or forgive others?
